“You need a hand?”
The man on the ledge turned around to see where the voice came from. Zyler stood there in a black sweater that matched his hair and eye colours in a neat but not too flaunting way. His hands were in the pockets, not much for warmth but more out of style. The man couldn’t tell if this stranger actually cared about anything around him. On the other side, Zyler could see his face all wrinkled and pale. The poor soul must have been sitting on that edge for quite some time now, mustering his courage.
“This place has earned itself quite some reputation, you know?” Zyler carried on, unfazed by the troubled look in front of him.
“I don’t know how the words got around. It is indeed the perfect spot to kill one’s self, being this tall and out of view from the busy world below. Only people who need to use this place know about it somehow. The thing is, dead people don’t tell. And the media couldn’t bother about this godforsaken place. So how the hell do people like us learn about this place? Beats me”
Zyler chuckled at his own half-joke. The man on the ledge kept staring at him, wide-eyed as if he was looking at an alien.
“Mind if I sit next to you?”
The man didn’t answer. Zyler stood there with hands still in the pockets, patiently waiting for an answer. At long last, the man replied with a slight nod. He knew whoever this stranger was he wasn’t here to try to convince him to do anything.
Zyler slowly made his move towards the stone ledge and climbed up with extra caution. Then he pulled out two cigarettes and offered. The man shook his head.
“I quit last year.”
“Good for you,” Zyler put both his sticks back in the pack.
“You can go ahead. I don’t mind.”
“But I do. I don’t smoke near non-smokers.”
The man didn’t answer. He continued looking below his dangling legs.
“I’m Zyler.”
“Will,” the man whispered.
“Well, you don’t seem to have much of that left in you, do you?” Zyler casually remarked.
For a while after — nobody knew how long it was — the two men sat there looking at the tiny ant-like creatures moving around below. All could be heard was the wind howling and the occasional siren piercing through the atmosphere.
“I tried, “ Will broke the silence all of a sudden, his voice trembling.
The nonchalant but violent wind continued whistling while the worn out man gathered his words and courage to continue.
“I started out lying to myself. I spent years doing what people told me to. It was easy, not having to think for yourself. You just follow others to chase all those vain things.”
Will turned to see if his companion was listening. Zyler was staring blankly in front. His body was frozen with the two hands resting on the side. Will continued.
“Then one day I noticed that the hole inside me had grown so large. The real me whom I had neglected to feed while busy chasing other people’s ideas sat right there, almost invisible in the middle of that void. That night I went back and cried like I never had before. I cried for my real self being engulfed by the nothingness I had built.”
Zyler slowly closed his eyes but Will didn’t notice. The monologue went on with the sound of the end-Autumn wind as the background music.
“So I left that world. I tried to be with my true self again. It felt great in the beginning. I was liberated and honest. I pulled away from all the people I knew and spent all my time and money on myself. It’s like catching up with someone you haven’t met in a long time. It was as refreshing as it was nostalgic. I felt alive again.”
Zyler returned a slight nod. Again, Will was too engrossed to see.
“But we don’t live alone, do we? I had to step back out there again. Started a new job, met new people, relationships. The thing is, I forgot how to be my real self when I was with other people. When I was alone, I could be truthful to myself. But once I stepped into the world, I reverted back to that lie I had been all along.
I tried hard to bring my true self out. But the world didn’t like it. People said I was too harsh. I was harsh on myself and brought it upon others subconsciously. I didn’t think it was wrong. It was how I was brought up. But that’s the funny thing about people. Everyone wants to treat others in their own way but they don’t want others to treat them in the same manner. What a flock of hypocritical bullshit.
So bit by bit I found myself retreating back into the void I had built for myself. It started to feel more comfortable every day. I holed up in there and learned to live by myself. It was easy, almost natural, but living with others was really tough.
Day by day I go to work and see all these people floating around. Right down there. During peak hours I can be walking among two hundred people but I felt less life there than in my own void. Nobody is looking at each other except when they are out to sell something. Everyone wants something. And I started to ask myself what I want. I started travelling the Earth and reading more to find that answer. That was when it hit me. The more I know, the more insignificant I feel. On the grander scheme, we all are nothing. Like those specks of dust in front of us, we merely pass by here for this blink of an eye and that’s it. I can’t see the point of that Sisyphus story. How can we live like that, in vain and insignificant?”
The question hung in the air momentarily before fading to the warm dry sunlight. The howling took over again.
“So what’s stopping you?” Zyler finally spoke when he understood that Will had reached the abrupt point of a story he didn’t know how to continue.
“I don’t know.”
“what do you hope to achieve by doing this?”
“Peace. I know it’s crazy to do this. Some would even call it stupid. But I’m at a dead-end. I’ve tried everything — working, reading, travelling, arts, drugs. Everything to find a meaning of it all. But there’s no meaning in anything, except perhaps death. But mainly, I just want to get out of this relentless mass of vain pursuits. I’d rather die alone than become another in the herd.”
“That doesn’t sound very crazy to me.”
“Thanks… I suppose,” Will’s voice had gone soft again, tired from the draining conversation.
“Have you seen ‘The Dark Knight?’” Zyler enquired.
“What of it?”
“It’s a masterpiece. A truly great work of art. It’s a marvellous collection of memorable quotes. But out of all those lines, you know which one has stuck with me the most?”
Will shook his head, his eyes curious at the enthusiastic smile next to him.
“That little truthful observation from the Joker.”
Zyler paused and looked at the wide-eyed man in front of him.
“Madness is like gravity. All you need…
Zyler paused again, almost for an effect.
… is a little push.”
************
“You need a hand?”
The young man standing on the ledge turned to see the black-haired man around his father’s age with his hands in the pockets and a facial expression that wouldn’t tell if this person cared about everything or nothing at all.
t/p
